Submission is the act of giving a specified amount of control of your life over to someone else. This can be everything from just letting them tell you what they want you to do in the bedroom, all the way to giving them complete control over most aspects of your life. On the spectrum, I fall closer to the conservative end. My partner has a certain say so over what I can and cannot do, but I also have a significant amount of autonomy and there are certain things that I would never give someone else to control.

I choose to submit because it makes me feel good. Something inside me takes pleasure in doing what someone else asks of me. I receive pleasure because I’ve pleased someone else. The feeling is similar to that feeling that you get after spending the afternoon in a soup kitchen. No, I’m not helping someone impoverished in my submission, but I feel good because I know I got to make someone else feel good.

As much as I enjoy that feeling, I think the best part of submission is honestly the thrill. There is an inherent risk to giving up that much power to someone and the feeling of doing so can be wonderful. It can also be liberating to be in the bedroom and just listening, doing, and feeling. Submission allows you to free yourself from having to wonder “is my partner enjoying this?” “Am I doing this right?” “What could I do better?” It is wonderful to just be able to react.

I submit because it’s good for me. By pleasing one person (or a couple of people in my case), I am actually freer in the rest of my life. I don’t have the need to please everyone. Many people see this need to please as a personal flaw, and it may be, but through submission to one person, I found my voice again to say no and to understand when people were taking advantage of that quality that I had.

I submit because it’s natural to me. I am not setting the women’s right’s movement back. I chose to submit, no one chose this for me and I retain the right to end this at any time. Submission is fulfilling and fun. It’s who I am.

Myth #1: The Birth Control Pill works by preventing a fertilized egg from implanting, thereby causing abortions.

The main way that “The Pill” works is through prevention of ovulation. For those of you not so versed in human reproductive physiology, this means that the egg that would generally be released by a woman during her monthly cycle, isn’t released. With no egg, there is nothing for the sperm to fertilize, therefore, no pregnancy. If for some reason, this failed, a secondary system is in place. The hormones cause the mucus lining of the uterus to thicken, making it harder for sperm to reach the egg. As a last resort, and a side effect of the pills, yes, the uterine lining is weakened, which can prevent an egg from implanting, but this is not really an intended effect of the pill and certainly not the main means through which it works.

Myth #1 (Follow-up): The Morning-After Pill is an abortion pill.

Definitely not. The Morning-After Pill basically gives a woman’s body a megadose of the same hormones she would be taking if she was on the birth control pill. One of the warnings of the Morning-After Pill is that it won’t work if you’re already pregnant. It can’t abort a pregnancy, but it can prevent it, if taken in time.

Myth #2: It is impossible to get pregnant as long as he pulls out in time.

How many men have such good control over their ejaculations that they can 100% predict when they are about to finish? Not many, that much is certain. So if you choose the “pull-out method,” you are taking a big risk. Beyond that, even if he manages to pull out ten out of ten times, there is still the issue of what is called “pre-ejaculate”. Although very little sperm is in it, there can still be some. This method is risky at best.

Myth #3: Women are only fertile one day out of the month.

While it is true that there are only so many days during a month that a women can conceive, it’s actually more like 5-7 days. Sperm can live in the female body for up to three days after sex and the egg can survive for about as long. So, in general, a woman is fertile from about three days before ovulation to about three days after. Although the rhythm  method of contraception can be extremely effective if used correctly, it is rather difficult and the woman’s cycle must be monitored very closely.

Myth #4: Certain positions prevent pregnancy.

There is not position that works as birth control. Any time sperm enters a woman’s vagina, there is a risk of pregnancy.

Myth #5: I can’t get pregnant if I’m on my period.

The odds of getting pregnant on your period are slim, that much is true, but it is not impossible. Ovulation can happen at any time during the month and can even be induced by certain activities such as stress.

Myth #6: The Birth Control Pill is directly responsible for breast cancer.

Cancer is caused by many factors. Studies linking the birth control pill to breast cancer are inconsistent at best. Some studies have suggested a link while others can find no such link. For information on these studies see the National Cancer Institute webpage. This is one of the myths that has been propagated by Christian Conservatives that don’t believe in contraceptive use. A woman should always speak to her doctor when thinking about starting any medical regimen, as she may be at risk for other reasons. This myth should not prevent women from using oral contraceptives if her and her doctor agree that it’s in her best interest.

Myth #7: I can’t get an STD (or STI…pick your term). I’m on the birth control pill.

This dangerous myth circulates among young people especially. Oral contraceptives are only effective at preventing pregnancy. They do not protect against any sexually transmitted infections. The only method that can prevent the passage of these STIs are condoms. If for some reason your partner truly can’t use a condom (latex allergy, ect.) frequent testing for these diseases is vital, even more so if you are not monogamous with your partner. Your personal doctor can test for these disease as can any Planned Parenthood near you. On a quick side note, there are non-latex condoms available. They cost more but they do exist.

Myth #8: Condoms are too small for my penis.

Okay so this is more of an excuse than a myth, but if you really think so, take a condom, unwrap it, unroll it, and blow it up. If your penis is the size that the condom will blow up to, you have bigger problems than the condom not fitting. They are supposed to be snug (i.e. we really don’t want them slipping off). That snugness also can help with another common complaint of them dampening sensation down there. 90% of men fit in average size condoms and the other 10% easily fit into the large condoms. Not wearing a condom because it doesn’t fit is not excuse.

What myths have you heard relating to birth control? Answer in the comments below.

Grant money is tricky. There are all kinds of rules that have to be followed to get the money in the first place and then even more regulations that must be followed in order to keep the money. Many people have said that they will no longer donate to the Komen Foundation because they give money to Planned Parenthood. What they don’t realize is the money that the Komen Foundation gives to Planned Parenthood MUST be used for breast cancer screening and detection. Yes, you can stipulate how donated money is spent, which is what every single grant does. You cannot use grant money for whatever you want. It’s not only immoral, it’s illegal. With the amount of controversy already surrounding Planned Parenthood, do you really think that they would be dumb enough to mess up with a donation of that size?

What we should be more concerned about is the Komen Foundation. In less than a week, the Komen Foundation has cut all funding to Planned Parenthood and as of about noon today, reinstated that money with an apology. It is one thing to make a decision, right or wrong. I can respect that but the Komen Foundation realized that they were going to lose massive amounts of donations simply by removing that funding. In their first press conference of the week, they said that their decision to remove the grant from Planned Parenthood was not motivated by a political agenda. Leaving alone what we know about the new president of the foundation, there are still problems with this. Their reasoning for cutting the funding was because Planned Parenthood is under investigation for using federal funds to perform abortions. This investigation was started by a conservative senator with an anti-abortion agenda. How can you say that this wasn’t politically motivated when the decision to investigate Planned Parenthood is mostly just a smear campaign because they perform abortions.

Here’s a fun fact for you, less than 3% of Planned Parenthood’s income comes from abortions. Most of their services are aimed at women’s health, such as breast cancer screening, and preventing unplanned pregnancy. They work towards not having to perform abortions just as much as the pro-life groups. The difference is that they understand that there can be a need for them and if someone doesn’t provide a safe way to terminate a pregnancy, many more women will be trying to do so with the methods that we used to see, many of which not only ended the pregnancy but the life of the woman as well.

Another argument that I have seen in the recent days suggest that Planned Parenthood should not be getting any money for breast cancer screening since they don’t provide mammograms (“the only way to detect breast cancer”). While it may be true that they do not provide mammograms, it is very untrue that they are the only way. The feel for lumps method, although not perfect, is an important means of detecting problems. Planned Parenthood works mainly with young women. These are the women that don’t have the recommendation to have a yearly mammogram (that doesn’t start until the age of 35). Unfortunately, breast cancer can happen in women younger than this. The only way that it is going to be detected is by the feel for lumps method. Furthermore, although Planned Parenthood does not provide mammogram services, they do provide and pay for mammogram referrals for the women that they think may have a problem that needs to be looked into.

The villain in this saga, is not Planned Parenthood, nor is it really the Komen Foundation (although they have some of the blame). The true villains are the people that assume that Planned Parenthood is about providing abortions to any pregnant woman that walks through their door. These people call to stop funding a program aimed at helping as many women as possible at little or no-cost to them. You don’t have to be pro-choice to believe that Planned Parenthood does good. Hopefully the Komen Foundation understands that now and will stand strong next to one of the best women’s health providers for young women in the country.

Feel free to discuss in the comments. Abortion is a volatile subject, so feel free to agree and disagree with each other but do not be mean or attack people personally. We are all adults here.

For those of you who don’t know, ShibariCon is a convention held over Memorial Day Weekend (yes, four whole days [and nights] of fun) devoted entirely to the kink revolving around rope bondage, most specifically targeting Japanese rope bondage (Shibari or Kinbaku), although I did see some Western Style during the late night parties.

As my first ever public event, it would be an understatement to say that I was a little bit nervous. I was petrified but I was also without reason to be. The greatest thing about ShibariCon was the people. Everyone was incredibly friendly and helpful, warm and welcoming. It was a group of people getting together that just got it. They understood the high that I get just from the smell of hemp (and now jute) rope. They understood the joy of the hug from the rope being like an embrace from a partner. They understood the desire to learn and share knowledge and to improve our skills.

ShibariCon has one of the best mottos or tag lines or whatever you want to call it in existence, one that I not only live my kink life by, but my entire life. This convention was set up under the motto “Learn, Experience, Share” and that is precisely what everyone is there to do. The instructors were approachable and friendly (although I’ll admit I was so in awe of a number of them that I lost the ability to speak). How many places in the world can you go to have the director of hogtied.com sit down next to you and teach you a brand new knot designed by a friend? How many stores can you go to that will let you try out and touch almost everything before you decide to buy it?

ShibariCon isn’t just a convention for people with a thing for rope. It’s a family. I am still in contact with some of the wonderful people that I met there, and now, I have met people that live near me that will be joining. ShibariCon inspired my partner and I to look into performance bondage, which we are starting to dabble in now. We grew a lot in those four days and I highly recommend to anyone that is interested in rope, especially Japanese style bondage, to attend. Here’s a link to the website for more information. I hope you all think about attending. It really is the experience of a lifetime.

Just wanted to point you in the direction of a great blog, especially if you have any interest in rope art. Written by Wykd_Dave, this blog is a rope Top’s thoughts on rope, life, and other things. I strongly recommend you check it out.

WkyD.com

I’ll admit that I was incredibly nervous the first time a partner said he wanted to spank me. It brought up memories of being spanked as a child for wrong-doing. I asked myself and him, how I was supposed to take pleasure out of something that had such a negative connotation to me. (Now, I am not criticizing parents who spank their children, nor am I endorsing the decision. I am not a parent and don’t have the answer, but when this topic was first present to me, being spanked by my parents did factor in to it.) Him and I discussed it at length and I told him of my concerns of it bringing up childhood memories. He told me not to worry about it too much since erotic spanking is entirely different. In the end, I did decide to trust him and I gave my consent to try it, carefully. So he did, and he was right, erotic spankings were entirely different. For me, it was a new way of connecting with my partner. I had always loved a hand on my ass, adding in a twinge of pain with it was perfect for me.

Here’s a quick how-to manual:
Spanking is pretty easy, most everyone already knows how to do it. The tricky part is getting your partner to consent to trying it. My first suggestion is to discuss it with your partner at length. Definitely don’t just pull them across your lap or bend them over and start wailing on their ass. You wouldn’t do that with sex, so don’t do it with kink either. Explain to them that you’re interested in trying it and why. This goes for someone who wants to spank or someone that wants to be spanked. There is nothing wrong with asking for a spanking. As long as you have a communicative relationship, your partner should be at least open to listening to your thoughts. After you explain, give them a chance to respond. They may have a reason that they don’t want to try it (trauma in the past, tried before, ect.). If they seem interested, you can continue the conversation. Talk about how hard you’re going to go and how you’re going to know when you’re partner has had enough. (I strongly recommend a safe word.)

If they consent, my recommendation is to start off gently. You don’t know how much pain they like or if they are going to like the position, or anything about it. Give them a few light swats and then check-in. Ask if they liked it, how it felt, if they want you to keep going. Communication when trying something new is vital. After you (together) decide when the scene is over, talk about what each of you liked and what you didn’t. There is nothing wrong with not enjoying it, but at least you can say you tried.

I’m going to have to take a short break from writing (like another week or so). School with my work is really kicking my butt, but one of my jobs ends next week so I’m hoping to squeeze in a little time to write after that. I would love to hear some ideas for articles in the comments section.

Love,

Tarnished

Shibari is an old form of bandage that started in Japan as a way to restrain prisoners in an aesthetically pleasing form. It was sexualized when these ties began to be used to restrain women in positions that allowed their male guards to rape them easily. Shibari also goes by the name of Kinbaku. (If you’re in Japan and ask someone to show you Shibari, they will bring you a small box with a bow on it). Fairly recently in history, Shibari has become a large part of the kink community, not only for the sexual but for the artistic. Many people that tie in Shibari style call themselves “riggers”, but you will almost never hear me use that term because I believe that it doesn’t give enough credit. To me, those that tie Shibari are always going to be called “rope artists”. If you see some of the pictures of those that tie Shibari well, you will understand why I choose this name, but I digress from the topic at hand, so without further ado, my review.

Kent starts the book out with a disclaimer similar to what I am about to say to you. Rope bondage is dangerous. There are many aspects that need to be taken into account, such as circulation, nerves, respiration, and physical comfort. You also need to have the complete trust of the person that you are tying. Always have a pair of EMT safety shears within easy reach in case of an emergency. This does not mean in the bottom of a toy bag or desk drawer. I mean in your back pocket or right next to the bed. Some people choose to use knives in case they ever have to cut rope, but I don’t recommend it, as if you have gotten to the point where rope needs to be cut, you’re likely to be panicking and a knife in the hands of someone panicking is way too scary for me.

The next couple of pages in the book are dedicated to information about the author, often infused with humor and wit. He then goes on to describe how to use the book, as it’s unlikely to be in a format that anyone is highly familiar with. After this, he spends a huge amount of time explaining safety risks and how to lessen those risks. Do NOT, under any circumstances, skip this section. It is extremely well written and covers things that you wouldn’t even think of as a risk. A little further on, he explains the job of the rope bottom (or person that is being tied up). This is especially well written for those who have never been tied up before. Again at least have to bottom read it, but it’s better if both parties do. This pretty much ends his safety information for the book.

Next he goes on to discuss different types of rope and the advantages and disadvantages of each. Depending on what you’re doing, different ropes have different levels of efficacy. Kent does a great job explaining this and why most of the best artists use only natural fiber rope (usually hemp or jute). He also explains how to find the center of your rope. (This is important because in the Japanese style that rope is almost always doubled over.)

After the discussion of rope, he finally gets to information on actually tying people up, but doesn’t start right in with directions. He discusses how to construct some of the basic ties and how they can vary, along with different techniques for doing different things. This is one of my favorite things about the book. So many books only teach one way to do a tie. Not every way is going to be equally useful for everyone, so that he includes variations is great.

Now we’re ready to start tying. For those of you who don’t like to read, this book is right up your alley. It teaches almost entirely with pictures and symbols. There is a bit of a learning curve for understanding what Kent wants you to do for each step, but once you figure it out (and that comes pretty easily), it is by far one of the best ways to go about tying rope, especially when you are just starting out because you don’t have to read an entire paragraph before you can do a step. You just look at a picture, interpret the symbol (there is a nice legend in the book for that) that he’s using, tie, and move on to the next step.

This book is spectacular for people just starting out. He moves through the basic ties of shibari (of there there are considered to be three: the single column tie, the double column tie, and the chest harness, usually a takate kote or box tie). As he does this, he starts to discuss techniques that will be useful later, such as, extending rope and using up extra rope. This last section of the book contains very few words but many wonderful, full color, pictures that make learning easy and enjoyable.

One last cool feature of the book is that he sticks pictures of complex ties that show what true rope art can be. I find them highly motivational and we commonly use them as inspiration when we are trying to decide how to tie me up next.

All in all, this book is perfect for those people that are interested in Japanese style rope bondage. I really cannot recommend it enough. The combination of technical information about safety, the wit, and the stunning photographs that explain ties in a simple way, all make this one of the best books on Shibari out there. I really hope that everyone goes to pick up a copy. It can be ordered here.

One last note. There is a sequel to this book called Sky. Although this is another wonderful book, it deals with rope suspension and is not, in any way, for beginners. Rope bondage is dangerous, rope suspension is edge play and can (and sadly has) lead to death. Sky is a great resource for learning rope suspension, but should not be attempted without some live, hands-on instruction by someone who really knows what they’re doing. Safety has to be paramount when attempting suspension and there is so much more than a book can teach you. Suspension also should not be attempted until the person tying is highly proficient at tying on the ground. For many people, it takes months, if not years, of practice before they are ready to try suspension.

Enjoy, and play safe.

Studies have shown that frequent sex can reduce physical pain, especially arthritis and pain related to PMS. Why? Because when we have sex, our brains send out chemical signals for pleasure, especially endorphins. Endorphins attach themselves to pain receptors in the brain, blocking the pain signal. So, now that you understand a bit about why it reduces pain, we should talk about why this important to a relationship. Men everywhere are aware of the PMS monster, that time of the month when women are at their absolute worst. Women, how many of you would be in a much better (and less argumentative) mood if you didn’t feel like your uterus was trying to claw it’s way out of your body? Everyone? That’s kind of what I thought. Pain makes us far grumpier than we would be if we weren’t in pain.

Sex makes us calmer and reduces stress. Remember those chemicals that I was just talking about that your brain releases during sex? Those same chemicals are responsible for feelings of happiness and calmness. One of the biggest reasons that couples begin to have trouble in a relationship has nothing to do with the couples themselves, but their stress levels. Think about all of the demands that you have right now. Many people have jobs and children, family arguments, other outside commitments, and a multitude of other things. It’s no wonder that we have huge stress levels. Relationships get put on the back burner through all of this and many times when we do a few spare minutes to focus on our relationships, we’re simply too tired to do so. Sex reduces those feelings of stress, making it so that when there is time, we actually have the desire to put the work in. Sex is self-replicating, meaning that the more often we have sex, the more often we want it.

Perhaps the most important reason to have frequent sex in your relationship, isn’t physical at all. It’s entirely emotional. Sex is a powerful experience that two (or more) people can share with each other. We learn things about that person that we didn’t know and we become closer to them in the way that only sex can bring us. So I lied a little when I said it wasn’t physical because there is still some chemistry involved. One of the other chemicals released during sex is oxytocin (it’s better known as the love hormone). This chemical is responsible for the warm, loving feelings that many of us get about our partner(s) after sex. Without these feelings, a relationship has no chance of remaining. Now, there are other things that can cause those feelings (most of the things that you do for your partner in the beginning of a relationship actually), but many of us stop doing those things. I personally believe that this is one of the reasons that so many relationships that seemed like they would work in the beginning end up fizzling about six months in.

So, sex reduces pain and stress and increases feelings of love between partners. What isn’t to like about that? All of these, and many more benefits, are reasons that sex should be an important part of a relationship. Not to mention how fun it is. When you and your partner feel that you are ready for sex, you shouldn’t feel bad about that choice. It will help you to grow closer as a couple and add an entirely new dimension to your relationship. For those of you in long-term relationships that don’t have sex on a regular basis, try it, you might find that spark that you felt was missing.

As always, play safe, and feel free to leave comments in the comments section.

To start, a definition. Sensory deprivation is the act of removing one or more of your partner’s senses. In this I also include the ability to speak and move. Although not technically senses, removing these has a very similar mental effect and that is definitely what you’re after when doing it. It is well known fact that when you lose one sense, all of the others heighten in order to compensate. This means that if you were to remove your partner’s ability to see, their senses of sound and touch would become stronger (along with smell and taste but those are a bit more difficult to play with).

Let’s talk about how we can use this information to our advantage. The easiest way is definitely through the use of a blindfold. There are a multitude of things around the house that work as blindfolds. You could use a scarf or a neck tie. Sleep masks work okay but if your partner moves a lot, they tend to come off. They also tend to come off if they have particularly long eyelashes (trust me, we learned the hard way). If you are looking for something a little more secure, I cannot recommend bondage tape enough. You can get this stuff at pretty much any sex store or online. It’s basically a thin roll of plastic that doesn’t stick to anything except itself. It comes in a bunch of colors and only comes off when you want it to. A roll (all of which is reusable) of 50′ costs about $10.

So, you’ve got your partner blindfolded, now what? This is where the real fun begins. What you do is entirely up to you but I recommending using many sensual things on their skin of varying textures. Try running your fingers lightly down the nerve tracks on their body. Use a feather on all of the sensitive bits. If you’re into something a bit more “exciting”, ice cubes can be highly stimulating. Be careful not to leave it on one spot too long or it can really start to hurt them. Massage candles are wonderful for this type of play as well. Basically as you burn the candle, the wax melts at a low temperature and becomes massage oil. JimmyJane sells a wonderful set of these and can be purchased here. I do not recommend using real candle wax unless you really know what you’re doing as you can burn your partner. Oral sex is great while your partner is blindfolded. The erotic zones, which are already extremely sensitive, are heightened even more with the use of a blindfold. If you run out of ideas, sex with a blindfold on is amazing. Many people already close their eyes during sex subconsciously and achieve a similar sensation, but it adds a whole new element when you can’t open your eyes to be able to see again.

As I mentioned before, I also include removing your partner’s abilities to speak and move in sensory deprivation. If you are going to try either of these, make sure that you have a nonverbal safeword or something for your partner to signal to you that they need you to stop. If you are trying restraint, I do not recommend using a gag at the same time unless you are both very experienced in kink play as it can really mess with the bottom’s head, in a bad way. As always, negotiate what is and is not okay during a scene before play. This will prevent misunderstandings, regret, and loss of trust.

Have fun and play safe.