Look around any social media site and you will know what I mean. Pictures of large women receive comments such as “real women have curves”. Photos of thin women, especially today’s super models get comments like “give that girl a cheese burger” or “if I wanted to see a 12 year old boy, I would look at a picture of a 12 year old boy”. These comments are hurtful. The current belief is that all thin women have an eating disorder. I can tell you for a fact that it is not true. Some people are genetically small just like some people are genetically larger. I was asked by my parents if I had an eating disorder because I wore something that really flattered my small physique (although they did change their tone after they saw me eat for a weekend). I have been told to “have a cheeseburger”. These comments are hurtful, and they can be even more detrimental to someone that really is suffering with an eating disorder. Many people believe that it’s okay to bash people that fit the current definition of pretty because they “know they are pretty” or “they already have it so easy” or “someone needs to put their ego in check”. News flash: All women have body issues whether they are beautiful or not.

It is perfectly okay to have your own belief as to what is and is not attractive. Personally, I find people that are healthy and true to themselves as the most attractive. The definition of beauty is constantly changing but the rules of etiquette and polite behavior have not changed. If you see a picture that you don’t like, don’t comment on it. If you see a picture that you do like, go for it, but be careful with what you say. Are you spreading positive thoughts about body image or are you bashing a specific body type? I can tell you, comments against thin people are just as hurtful as comments about heavy people. Everyone wants to love their bodies, let’s work together to make that possible.

Eating disorders are a serious medical condition. Please do not wait to seek help. If you think you or one of your friends has an eating disorder, there is help available. Please call or go online to the National Eating Disorders Association. (800) 931-2237 or http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.

References:

1 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/67/article/history/beauty-through-ages-egypt
2 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/78/article/history/beauty-through-ages-renaissance
3 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/87/article/history/beauty-through-ages-victorians
4 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/105/article/history/beauty-through-ages-roaring-twenties
5 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/117/article/history/beauty-through-ages-conservative-fifties

I see this a lot within the kink community. Older members of the community are admired and respected while younger members are expected to seek out guidance from these people. Now, I’m not saying that there is a problem with learning from someone older, in fact, I’ve found it to be one of the best ways to learn new skills and seek advice on problems, but age has little to do with this. Many people seek training from someone that has been doing something longer rather than someone newer but that has more skill.

In the kink community there is a debate (that has been ongoing for years) about the validity of TNG (The Next Generation) groups. For those of you reading that don’t know, TNG groups are groups of kinky people, usually under the age of 35, but there is some variation, that get together to hang out, share knowledge, and have a good time. One of the biggest argument against these groups is the question: “How can they learn anything if they’re all so young?”

Here’s my answer: “There is a difference between age, experience, and skill. Think about a child piano prodigy (yes, I’m using an extreme example). The child, by definition is not very old and based on his/her age can’t be very experienced, but who would doubt that s/he is skilled when they hear him/her play?

Now think about an older person, perhaps about 40 years old that has been in the community since they turned 18 that has a particular interest in flogging but has never attended a class to learn technique and has been using the same style on their partner for 22 years. Clearly, they are experienced, but would you say that they are skilled?

They might be or they might not be. Many people can practice something for a long time and never be outstanding at it and there are some people who practice something for a short period of time, let’s say a year, but invest large amounts of energy practicing their techniques and learning new techniques by taking classes, doing research, and above all practicing using proper techniques. Is this person skilled?

Have you ever heard the old adage “practice makes perfect”? I’m sure you have. It’s told to every child trying to learn something new, but that adage is a lie. Anyone who has studied a technique in depth knows that the true adage is actually “practice makes permanent”. If you practice something a thousand times, incorrectly, you’re always going to do it incorrectly. The same goes for the people that are experienced. Just because they’ve done something a thousand times, doesn’t mean they have been doing it correctly.

It is wonderful when you find someone that is experienced, skilled, and has some age on their side. They can be an outstanding resource but they aren’t the only possible resource. You shouldn’t discount a source of information simply because they are young or new and you shouldn’t believe everything that you’re told simply because someone is experienced or older. Everyone has something that they can share with others. Are you ready to listen?

I believe that being unfaithful comes down to the people involved. The most important thing here is to communicate.  If you didn’t mention to your partner that some act makes you uncomfortable about the relationship, how are they supposed to know that you don’t want them to do it? Many people are naturally flirty and do so without thinking about it and without the purpose of a hook-up. You have to explain to your partner that these actions make you feel uncomfortable, insecure, or whatever the feeling may be. People aren’t mind readers and may not always know what you’re thinking.

On the other side of things, if you are doing something or think that you are doing something that you think your partner might not be okay with, it’s best to discuss with them their views on it. Honesty really is the most important virtue within relationships. Did your partner catch you watching porn? Well for some people, they believe that it’s cheating, but others believe that it’s a natural part of relationships.

Did you talk to your partner about what they felt was okay? If so, you need to take a deep look at why you did something that you knew they were uncomfortable with. Many times we act out in a manner that is destructive to our relationships because subconsciously (or consciously) we know that something is wrong with it. Again communication is really the best policy. Many problems within relationships are easily solvable, but some are not.

Lastly, I wanted to take a short look at a very specific type of cheating that I’ve run across recently. Emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is when you have done nothing that your partner would not be okay with, but you either are no longer emotionally vested in the relationship or you have feelings for someone else that your partner is unaware of. This could come about as you spend time with a friend or be an ex that you never got over or it could be someone that you bump into on a regular basis. However these feelings come about, allowing them to grow into something that your partner wouldn’t feel good about is emotional cheating. Again,you need to have a look at why these feelings came about. Are you unhappy in your current relationship? Bored? Do you need a change in your life? Or maybe just variety?

The most important thing that you can do with your partner is to communicate about your feelings and expectations in the relationship. Remember, people can’t read minds so you need to be clear about what you want and how you feel. Above all, choose honesty and openness as these are the foundations of successful relationships.

Let’s hear what you qualify as cheating in the comments.

Reason 1: I like/love more than one person.
Honestly, I can’t really think of a better reason to enter any type of relationship beyond liking the person. The same principle holds true with polyamorous relationships. Caring relationships happen all the time in your life. Think about your [platonic] friendships. Each of these is its own relationship, it should be no different with amorous relationships. Caring about someone, in that way, is a very special type of feeling and a wonderful reason for entering a  relationship with them.

Reason 2: My current partner can’t meet all of my needs.
This is a controversial one. We are brought up believing that we are supposed to be looking for “The One”. That single person that can meet every single one of our needs an desires. Unfortunately when you think about the reality of that situation, the odds of meeting that person by chance are about 1 in 7 billion. For those of you that are more visual, it looks like this: 1 in 7,000,000,000 and this assumes that your perfect match is living at the same time you are. The odds aren’t all that good.

Personally, I don’t believe in “The One”. I believe that there are people you can have a relationship with and there are people that you can’t. Following this model, we’re going to assume that no one partner can meet all of your needs. Perhaps you have kinky desires that your partner does not, while sacrifice in relationships can bring you closer together, when it comes to sex, I don’t think that you should be sacrificing your own enjoyment all of the time to make your partner happy. I know, here come the comments about compromising and what not. You’re right, it’s a valid method, but personally, I would rather do things with my partner that both of us enjoy and then do the things that my partner may not enjoy, but I do, with someone else who finds them great.

Reason 3: I’m bisexual and would like a partner of both sexes.
This is related to the previous reason. If you are bisexual, and wish to act on that orientation, it is physically impossible for a single partner to fulfill all of you needs. Rather than deny yourself and your desires, a good method for dealing with this is a polyamorous relationship. This one really doesn’t take much explanation.

Reason 4: I need variety.
This is NOT the same as “I can’t commit”. The need for variety means that you want to commit to more than one person (this can be very healthy). Sometimes a need for variety means just that. It’s not that your current partner is lacking in any way, but just that you like to have change in your life. Humans are not really programmed to be with a single person for their whole lives. Look at the divorce rate and the rates of cheating. Many times when someone is asked why they cheated, it’s not through any fault of the their partner, but simply that the one cheating wanted someone different to be with. Isn’t it better to do this in an honest, communicative way? By being openly polyamorous with your partner, you prevent much of the heart break and loss of trust associated with discovering that your partner cheated on you.

Reason 5: I don’t love my partner but I don’t want to break up with them.
This really isn’t a good reason to enter an open or polyamorous relationship.  Polyamorous relationships should never be used to solve a problem. This is when they tend to go bad. One of the most important things when it comes to polyamory is that you are honest with yourself and your partners. Remaining in a relationship that you aren’t happy in and trying to open it up to polyamory is like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound. In order to have a successful relationship, you have to take the bullet out first.

Reason 6: I don’t want to commit to anyone.
Dating around, playing the field, whatever you want to call it is fine. Inherently there is nothing wrong with it as long as you’re honest about your intentions, but it is also not really polyamory. Polyamory means entering more than one committed relationship at the same time.

Ok, so we’ve looked at the reasons that I can come up with for entering polyamorous relationships. What do you think? Do you have any to add? Comment below.

Has anyone ever said something along the lies of “I really like him/her, but I can’t date him/her because I might get hurt”? Have you said this yourself? I know I have and I know a lot of other people with this mentality as well. We really need to take a step back sometimes and think about what a relationship is, how they work and what our expectations are.

You’re right, you might get hurt in your next relationship, in fact, you probably will. Getting hurt has nothing to do with monogamous or polyamorous relationships, kinky or vanilla relationships. It’s simply the nature of all relationships. Blunt though this may be: there are only two possible options when it comes to relationships. Either it lasts forever or it ends. When a relationship ends, it hurts. Even relationships that end on amicable terms, hurt.

The determining factor of whether to start a relationship or not, shouldn’t be based on the possibility of getting hurt. It should be based on how you feel when you’re with the person. You know when a person makes you happy. Why should you give up that happy feeling because of a possible, albeit probable, future?

You’re right, unless you’ve found the person that you intend to marry (and even then a lot of the time) the relationship is going to end. And you’ll probably get hurt but it’s not about getting hurt, it’s about how we deal with that hurt, how the relationship helped us grow while we were in it.

I personally have learned something from every relationship that I’ve had (whether we called it that or not). I’ve learned about myself, about the world, and about life. The hurt that came with the end of all of these relationships helped me to grow and become a stronger, better person. Without pain in life, it’s hard to feel the joyous times.

However, I am not advocating starting a relationship with just anyone. If you are not in a position in your life that you can handle the possibility of pain or sadness, starting a relationship is not a good choice for you, but if you have found a person that you’re willing to make a commitment to and the only thing holding you back is the possibility of getting hurt, it’s time to take that step. If you end up getting hurt, look at it as a learning experience, thinking about everything good that came out of the relationship, and how things could be different next time.

Don’t let fear of getting hurt prevent you from entering a relationship that you feel has the potential to be loving, fun, meaningful and whatever other things you hope to get out of it. The hurt makes us stronger.

Being single is seen as a negative. People that are single are almost always looking for someone to be with. Society tells us that single people have something wrong with them. Maybe they aren’t attractive, or smart, or any other number of things. This pressure from society leads singles to think that they aren’t attractive, or smart, or any other number of things. See a problem here? People that have been single for a long time start having lower and lower self esteem. They begin to believe that they are undatable. And society thinks of people that have been single for a long time as undatable. It’s a vicious circle of destructive emotions.

These emotions are doing more damage than many people are aware of. Singles spend much of their time looking for someone or hoping that someone is going to ask them out, but when that happens, a whole new set of problems starts up. The person is constantly thinking that they don’t deserve to be on a date because they’ve been lead to believe that there is something wrong with them. This tends to lead to insecurity within the relationship and I can speak from experience that almost nothing is more guaranteed to kill a relationship faster than emotional insecurity on the part of one or both partners. They believe that there is no way that the relationship is going to last so they don’t put the emotional attachment into it, believing that they’re just going to get dumped and hurt anyway.

These people with low self esteem start looking to their partner for validation. Although this works for a little while, it doesn’t work in the long run. If the relationship ends, that person is in a worse place than before, having all of their fears about being “damaged goods” confirmed. As partners start looking to each other for validation, the relationships verge on (and in some cases do become) codependent. The two people start to lose their identity of who they are. They begin to define themselves in terms of their relationships with their partners.

When the relationship ends, these people no longer know how to cope without having someone else. This leads to what we affectionately know as “rebounding”. It’s something that we’re all guilty of. I’m guilty of it. We look for someone to fill that void left by the other person. Rebounding is dangerous because we’re in emotionally fragile places. This tends to lead to obsession with the other person or very fast moving relationships. Very few relationships that being as rebounds have the capability of lasting for an extended period of time. People begin rebounding off of rebounds, leading to serial monogamy (or having many monogamous relationships in quick succession)

So, what can we do to break this cycle? First of all, we need to begin seeing people that are single as equal to people in relationships. We need to stop believing that there is something wrong with them. Being single is valorous and nothing to be ashamed of. Secondly, we need to start thinking about how our relationships are structured. Each person in the relationship has both the right and the responsibility to be their own person. Thirdly, when we’re single, we shouldn’t be ashamed to be single. Not all of your life should be spent either in a relationship or looking for a relationship. Be happy with who you are as your own person. Look to yourself for validation. Be confident in who you are and be proud. There is nothing wrong with you because you aren’t in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. If you aren’t at a point in your life where you are completely happy with who you are, then you shouldn’t be looking for someone else just yet. Relationships don’t solve problems. They are hard work to maintain and even more challenging when one person isn’t emotionally mature enough handle their own emotions let alone their partner’s. Lastly, spend time apart from your partner, remember that it’s okay to have different interests. Keep friends outside of the relationship. They will be your support net if the relationship does end. No partner should ever ask you to deny a part of yourself in order to be with them.

Sex should not be embarrassing. There is nothing more natural in the world. Not only is sex necessary for the survival of our species, it’s enjoyable. We are lucky. Very few other animals (yes, humans are animals too) get to feel pleasure during sex. Why would something so vital become such an unspeakable topic?

I have had some interesting discussion with people recently about sexuality. One reason that I hear often is that if we were to give into our natural instincts, we wouldn’t be any better than any of the other animals. My response is: who is to say that we are better than them? Yes, we have built roads and houses and technology and millions of other things, but does the fact that we have larger more developed brains really make us better than the other animals, or are we simply different?

Another interesting reason is that sex is “meant” to be shared between a husband and wife. No one else. Let’s take a moment to think about this. Research shows that between 25 and 75% of people have cheated when in “monogamous” relationships. Due to the sensitive nature of that type of question, the actual percentage is likely higher. Based on this evidence, we have only two possible conclusions, either most people are bad (as in they are incapable of having a monogamous relationship) or sex is not “meant” to be with only one other person. Going back to the topic of humans being animals, did you know that the vast majority of animals (and almost the entire class of mammals) are not monogamous? Most animals attempt to mate with as many others as possible.

I’ve come to realize that religions all around the world criminalize those things that people find pleasure in. I think we need to start living for enjoyment. Pleasure is not bad, evil, ect. Pleasure is a good thing, and the pleasure found in sex is especially good. It brings us closer to those that we choose to share it with and by doing away with the shame that we associate with sexuality, we are liberated beyond our imagining. Freeing yourself from such a constraint that society has chosen to place is truly wonderful. Do not be ashamed of your sexuality, straight, gay, bisexual, kinky, vanilla, monogamous, polyamorous. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are happy and that you feel free to express your sexuality in the way that you want to, without worrying about what society thinks is the “right” way to express it.

Submission is the act of giving a specified amount of control of your life over to someone else. This can be everything from just letting them tell you what they want you to do in the bedroom, all the way to giving them complete control over most aspects of your life. On the spectrum, I fall closer to the conservative end. My partner has a certain say so over what I can and cannot do, but I also have a significant amount of autonomy and there are certain things that I would never give someone else to control.

I choose to submit because it makes me feel good. Something inside me takes pleasure in doing what someone else asks of me. I receive pleasure because I’ve pleased someone else. The feeling is similar to that feeling that you get after spending the afternoon in a soup kitchen. No, I’m not helping someone impoverished in my submission, but I feel good because I know I got to make someone else feel good.

As much as I enjoy that feeling, I think the best part of submission is honestly the thrill. There is an inherent risk to giving up that much power to someone and the feeling of doing so can be wonderful. It can also be liberating to be in the bedroom and just listening, doing, and feeling. Submission allows you to free yourself from having to wonder “is my partner enjoying this?” “Am I doing this right?” “What could I do better?” It is wonderful to just be able to react.

I submit because it’s good for me. By pleasing one person (or a couple of people in my case), I am actually freer in the rest of my life. I don’t have the need to please everyone. Many people see this need to please as a personal flaw, and it may be, but through submission to one person, I found my voice again to say no and to understand when people were taking advantage of that quality that I had.

I submit because it’s natural to me. I am not setting the women’s right’s movement back. I chose to submit, no one chose this for me and I retain the right to end this at any time. Submission is fulfilling and fun. It’s who I am.

Myth #1: The Birth Control Pill works by preventing a fertilized egg from implanting, thereby causing abortions.

The main way that “The Pill” works is through prevention of ovulation. For those of you not so versed in human reproductive physiology, this means that the egg that would generally be released by a woman during her monthly cycle, isn’t released. With no egg, there is nothing for the sperm to fertilize, therefore, no pregnancy. If for some reason, this failed, a secondary system is in place. The hormones cause the mucus lining of the uterus to thicken, making it harder for sperm to reach the egg. As a last resort, and a side effect of the pills, yes, the uterine lining is weakened, which can prevent an egg from implanting, but this is not really an intended effect of the pill and certainly not the main means through which it works.

Myth #1 (Follow-up): The Morning-After Pill is an abortion pill.

Definitely not. The Morning-After Pill basically gives a woman’s body a megadose of the same hormones she would be taking if she was on the birth control pill. One of the warnings of the Morning-After Pill is that it won’t work if you’re already pregnant. It can’t abort a pregnancy, but it can prevent it, if taken in time.

Myth #2: It is impossible to get pregnant as long as he pulls out in time.

How many men have such good control over their ejaculations that they can 100% predict when they are about to finish? Not many, that much is certain. So if you choose the “pull-out method,” you are taking a big risk. Beyond that, even if he manages to pull out ten out of ten times, there is still the issue of what is called “pre-ejaculate”. Although very little sperm is in it, there can still be some. This method is risky at best.

Myth #3: Women are only fertile one day out of the month.

While it is true that there are only so many days during a month that a women can conceive, it’s actually more like 5-7 days. Sperm can live in the female body for up to three days after sex and the egg can survive for about as long. So, in general, a woman is fertile from about three days before ovulation to about three days after. Although the rhythm  method of contraception can be extremely effective if used correctly, it is rather difficult and the woman’s cycle must be monitored very closely.

Myth #4: Certain positions prevent pregnancy.

There is not position that works as birth control. Any time sperm enters a woman’s vagina, there is a risk of pregnancy.

Myth #5: I can’t get pregnant if I’m on my period.

The odds of getting pregnant on your period are slim, that much is true, but it is not impossible. Ovulation can happen at any time during the month and can even be induced by certain activities such as stress.

Myth #6: The Birth Control Pill is directly responsible for breast cancer.

Cancer is caused by many factors. Studies linking the birth control pill to breast cancer are inconsistent at best. Some studies have suggested a link while others can find no such link. For information on these studies see the National Cancer Institute webpage. This is one of the myths that has been propagated by Christian Conservatives that don’t believe in contraceptive use. A woman should always speak to her doctor when thinking about starting any medical regimen, as she may be at risk for other reasons. This myth should not prevent women from using oral contraceptives if her and her doctor agree that it’s in her best interest.

Myth #7: I can’t get an STD (or STI…pick your term). I’m on the birth control pill.

This dangerous myth circulates among young people especially. Oral contraceptives are only effective at preventing pregnancy. They do not protect against any sexually transmitted infections. The only method that can prevent the passage of these STIs are condoms. If for some reason your partner truly can’t use a condom (latex allergy, ect.) frequent testing for these diseases is vital, even more so if you are not monogamous with your partner. Your personal doctor can test for these disease as can any Planned Parenthood near you. On a quick side note, there are non-latex condoms available. They cost more but they do exist.

Myth #8: Condoms are too small for my penis.

Okay so this is more of an excuse than a myth, but if you really think so, take a condom, unwrap it, unroll it, and blow it up. If your penis is the size that the condom will blow up to, you have bigger problems than the condom not fitting. They are supposed to be snug (i.e. we really don’t want them slipping off). That snugness also can help with another common complaint of them dampening sensation down there. 90% of men fit in average size condoms and the other 10% easily fit into the large condoms. Not wearing a condom because it doesn’t fit is not excuse.

What myths have you heard relating to birth control? Answer in the comments below.

Grant money is tricky. There are all kinds of rules that have to be followed to get the money in the first place and then even more regulations that must be followed in order to keep the money. Many people have said that they will no longer donate to the Komen Foundation because they give money to Planned Parenthood. What they don’t realize is the money that the Komen Foundation gives to Planned Parenthood MUST be used for breast cancer screening and detection. Yes, you can stipulate how donated money is spent, which is what every single grant does. You cannot use grant money for whatever you want. It’s not only immoral, it’s illegal. With the amount of controversy already surrounding Planned Parenthood, do you really think that they would be dumb enough to mess up with a donation of that size?

What we should be more concerned about is the Komen Foundation. In less than a week, the Komen Foundation has cut all funding to Planned Parenthood and as of about noon today, reinstated that money with an apology. It is one thing to make a decision, right or wrong. I can respect that but the Komen Foundation realized that they were going to lose massive amounts of donations simply by removing that funding. In their first press conference of the week, they said that their decision to remove the grant from Planned Parenthood was not motivated by a political agenda. Leaving alone what we know about the new president of the foundation, there are still problems with this. Their reasoning for cutting the funding was because Planned Parenthood is under investigation for using federal funds to perform abortions. This investigation was started by a conservative senator with an anti-abortion agenda. How can you say that this wasn’t politically motivated when the decision to investigate Planned Parenthood is mostly just a smear campaign because they perform abortions.

Here’s a fun fact for you, less than 3% of Planned Parenthood’s income comes from abortions. Most of their services are aimed at women’s health, such as breast cancer screening, and preventing unplanned pregnancy. They work towards not having to perform abortions just as much as the pro-life groups. The difference is that they understand that there can be a need for them and if someone doesn’t provide a safe way to terminate a pregnancy, many more women will be trying to do so with the methods that we used to see, many of which not only ended the pregnancy but the life of the woman as well.

Another argument that I have seen in the recent days suggest that Planned Parenthood should not be getting any money for breast cancer screening since they don’t provide mammograms (“the only way to detect breast cancer”). While it may be true that they do not provide mammograms, it is very untrue that they are the only way. The feel for lumps method, although not perfect, is an important means of detecting problems. Planned Parenthood works mainly with young women. These are the women that don’t have the recommendation to have a yearly mammogram (that doesn’t start until the age of 35). Unfortunately, breast cancer can happen in women younger than this. The only way that it is going to be detected is by the feel for lumps method. Furthermore, although Planned Parenthood does not provide mammogram services, they do provide and pay for mammogram referrals for the women that they think may have a problem that needs to be looked into.

The villain in this saga, is not Planned Parenthood, nor is it really the Komen Foundation (although they have some of the blame). The true villains are the people that assume that Planned Parenthood is about providing abortions to any pregnant woman that walks through their door. These people call to stop funding a program aimed at helping as many women as possible at little or no-cost to them. You don’t have to be pro-choice to believe that Planned Parenthood does good. Hopefully the Komen Foundation understands that now and will stand strong next to one of the best women’s health providers for young women in the country.

Feel free to discuss in the comments. Abortion is a volatile subject, so feel free to agree and disagree with each other but do not be mean or attack people personally. We are all adults here.