There are huge disadvantages to suspension almost entirely stemming from the fact that suspension is dangerous. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that suspension is a safe activity. It definitely falls under the category of “Risk Aware” kink. So many things can go wrong. A single misplaced rope can lead to nerve damage that takes months (sometimes forever) to heal. A single oversight while tying a support line can lead to a dropped bottom. Frames and hard points can have catastrophic failures without showing signs of weakness moments before and rope can break. All of these are risks that you take every time you suspend someone or let them suspend you. These inherent dangers make is impossible for the top to space out on what they’re doing. If they space, mistakes are even more likely. The risks also make it difficult for the bottom to space because they need to spend their time communicating with their top about rope placement and comfort. I will admit, some of this goes down in time as you and your top become more familiar with each other but I still have a hard time spacing during suspension when I’m bottoming and I’ve been tied by the same top for two full years now.

If suspension isn’t the goal of rope, what is? Well in reality, what is the goal of most kinks, especially the one ones that don’t include a power exchange? Sensation. There are reasons that some people proficient in rope will use nothing but rope for an entire scene. One can create so many sensations with a piece of rope, from the slow, sensual seduction of dragging it across their body to rough biting pain of being tightly bound in a position that strains the entire body. There are a myriad of sensations to play with in between. You can use rope to create predicaments, mind fucks, or for simple restraint and all of this can be done on the floor without a hard point. What’s best about using rope on the floor is the way that you get to connect with your partner. There is far less safety to worry about so you can both leave yourselves and space together. This is especially true for the bottom. Speaking from experience, I space three to four times as easily on the floor as I do in the air. The endorphins are so much easier to achieve this way, and as a top, I’m so much less stressed out about being as safe as possible for my bottom that I can enjoy myself more. For those of you that don’t think you can space from rope, I’ve experienced it and created it with a single 30 foot length of rope. You don’t even have to be able to tie in order to cause this. In reality, you don’t even have to know your partner very well, but if you use this technique, be prepared for some major intimacy by the time you’re done.

Floor work is seduction. Never have I wanted to have sex while I was suspended or after being suspended. Being tied on the floor (or bed), however is an entirely different matter. Kink is about doing things that turn you on, about seducing people in ways that deviate from the norm and rope is certainly one way to achieve that. It doesn’t have to be through sensual seduction though. You can tie harsh, quick, and forcefully on the floor and create a very spacey, horny submissive. The difference is that you have to be a little more proficient at tying to be able to create these sensations. Rope takes practice, but then again, so does every single kink. Did you just pick up a flogger and immediately throw every strike perfectly? Did you just start pushing needles through skin without practice or at the very least someone teaching you to do so? I highly doubt it. Rope is the same, it requires patience and practice. There is a natural progression in it. Going straight for suspension is not only dangerous but makes you miss out on the best part, connection with your partner on the floor, seduction, creating sensation and most of all the ability for you and your partner to have sub and top space together. The trust to do a great suspension comes with time and practice.

Suspending a person the first time they get tied up is cool, but you miss out on so many other opportunities. Getting suspended is cool but there are so many other cool things to do with rope that many people forget about. They talk about how so-and-so won’t suspend them, but did you ask if they would tie you at all? You don’t have to be suspended to get the warm fuzzies that come from rope. In reality, suspension is usually not the best way to get those warm fuzzies. Those come from floor work and a true connection with your partner. So keep that in mind the next time you’re working with rope. What is your goal? Do you have a goal? Suspension is cool and all but it definitely isn’t the most important part of rope.

Open relationships are hard work. They require an unprecedented amount of trust in both your part and your relationship, communication, and willingness to deal with unpleasant emotions. Opening a relationship to solve problems is inherently flawed. Let’s think about it for a moment. You know that your relationship is already having trouble, from jealousy or any other problem, rather than try to work through the problem, you choose to open the relationship. What have you just done?

You’ve added another variable into the equation. In math terms, which is easier to solve, a problem with one variable or a problem with more than one? Relationships are the same. You shouldn’t be adding in complications when you are struggling with a simpler relationship.

If you are really adamant about trying an open relationship, you should take a number of steps first. First of all, talk to your partner. Are they 100% on board with the idea? If not, there is no way this can work. If it’s not something both parties want, it is going to be a disaster. You may not get jealous when your partner is with someone else but how will they feel if you’re with another person.

Second, what type of open relationship do you want? There are so many ways that you can set up an open relationship, from full disclosure about what you did and who you are with to not saying anything to each other about who you were with and what you did with them. Personally, I tend to feel that the more communication there is, the better, but relationships can work on the don’t ask don’t tell policy. If you choose to go that route though, be prepared for some jealousy hiccups and you really need to be secure in your feelings about your relationship and your partner.

Third, what rules are in place? Can they date other people looking for another long term partner or are the outside partners just going to be a casual fling? What can you each do with other partners? Is penetrative sex okay? Oral? Anal?

These are all questions that you need to ask and answer before seeking outside partners. The biggest problem that I see with open relationships is a lack of communication and a misunderstanding of what the ground rules are. How can you expect your partner to follow the rules if you haven’t laid them out together. Our partners aren’t mind readers.

All in all, open relationships tend to create more complications in the existing relationship. Keep this in mind before you try to use it to “solve” anything, especially jealousy. Jealousy is a complicated emotion or set of emotions that need to be worked through before involving other people, but once your relationship is secure and stable and happy, adding other people can be one of the most rewarding things in the world. Just proceed with caution and keep the doors of communication open.

Let’s start with the books as works of literature. This is actually where my biggest points of criticism come. They are not well written. The story is interesting, actually the story is very interesting, but the writing is pretty bad. It lives up to the erotic literature genre being a smut book, but that’s okay. It wasn’t written to be outstanding literature, it as written for fun, by an author that had never published anything in her life. The wording is rather repetitive and the sex scenes aren’t described as well as I would have liked, but my biggest issue was the lack of variation in how orgasms were described. It just got dull after a while. You can definitely see the influence that Twilight had on the story but it’s not there as strongly as I had expected. The characters are similar but there are enough differences that I think it works. So overall, it’s not a bad book to read from an entertainment aspect but don’t go in to it expecting high literature.

*Spoiler alert*

The most troubling aspect of the kink that is in this book comes from the male lead, Christian. He was abused as a child and then possibly again during his teenage years. Throughout the series, he constantly suggests that he is a Dominant and kinky because he was abused and that this is the way that he is able to deal with the horrors in his past. While some people in the kink community do find therapy from trauma through their kinks, in my experience this is the exception, not the norm. Most people that I’ve met in the BDSM community are well adjusted professionals that just happen to like some unique things in the bedroom. I’ve even spoken to some people that were abused as children but do not in any way believe that to be the reason behind their kinks. So the suggestion that Dominants are dominant because they were traumatized in the past is by no means correct. It just makes for an interesting character in a novel.

The other main character, Ana, starts the books as a virgin. Many people have criticized this but it’s not as far fetched as some people believe. Personally, I was involved in kink before I ever had sex. It’s unusual to do it in this order but not unheard of. She’s a very flat character and makes a lot of mistakes along the way, one in particular that stands out is when she leaves Christian. Most experienced Dominants would not chase after someone that they wanted as their submissive if the person said “no” but again, this is a novel, it makes for good conflict and an engaging read, especially as a cliffhanger ending.

Fifty Shades did get some things right, actually it got quite a bit right, including some of the most important things. Christian and Ana go through negotiation about his contract that they have written. They discuss what they want and expect and things that they don’t want. Limits are discussed as well. And a huge importance is put on the usage of a “safe word”. These are all vital parts of the BDSM community. You will almost never see people play together without negotiating and having safe words. It’s a personal safety thing. You should never try anything kink related without having a safe word, for that matter, I’m a huge proponent of having safe words for vanilla sex too.

The existence of the contract, although less common in the community, still exist. There are good reasons for having them. It gives all of the parties involved a hard copy of something to look at and refer to, so that they can remind themselves what they agreed upon. Remember, these contracts are not legally binding but they can be handy within a relationship.

A couple of the scenes (play sessions) throughout the book were actually quite well done. I am remembering one in particular where Ana was blindfolded and had ear phones in while Christian played with her. Not only is this a great scene, it’s one that a number of my kinky friends have mentioned wanting to emulate.

All in all, Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t that horrible, and it’s especially not as bad as many in the kink community are making it out to be. However, it is vital to remember that this is a work of fiction. The odds of a 28 year old billionaire with a fully stocked playroom, falling madly in love with a completely inexperienced woman is completely ridiculous but it’s a work of fiction. Keep that in mind and it’s an entertaining read. If some aspect of the kink peaks your interest, do yourself a favor and ask someone knowledgable or even better join FetLife.com and use their awesome forum system to get the answers you need. Do research, learn, grow, play safe, and most of all, have fun.

Let’s start with a dictionary.com definition.

Jealousy (noun):
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry,unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous  feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

Ok, so now we have defined jealousy, but if you look at all of these definitions, they’re actually more of an umbrella of emotions that we lump under the term jealousy. So my first piece of advice when you’re feeling what you think is jealousy is to take some time by yourself to reflect on exactly what you’re feeling and why you are feeling this way. Take a walk, listen to some music, or just sit in the sun. It doesn’t matter what you do. The important thing is to do some self reflection and work out exactly how you feel.

A big misconception about polyamory is that none of the people involved ever feel jealous and everyone is always happy no matter who their partner(s) is(are) with. I can tell you from personal experience and the experiences of many others that this is not the case. We all deal with bouts of jealousy. The difference is how it is handled. The next thing you need to do is allow yourself to feel these emotions whether it is anger, frustration, sadness, envy, whatever. Emotions are not bad or evil and it perfectly okay to feel negative emotions, so give yourself permission to feel however you are feeling.

Do you know what emotion you are actually feeling now? Good, now comes the hard part, figuring out how to deal with it. One of the most common emotions that is often confused with jealousy is envy, which tends to be a whole lot easier to deal with, so let’s have another definition.

Envy (noun)
1. a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.
2. an object of envious feeling

If envy is what you’re feeling, why are you feeling it? Is your partner doing something with another partner that they aren’t with you? Are they spending more time with a different partner and not meeting your personal needs? If so, generally this is an easy fix, all you have to do it talk to them. In order to be effective, it is better to use “I” statements such as “I have wanted to try (insert action here) and I feel a little bit envious that I haven’t gotten to try it yet” rather than “You always do (insert action here) with (partner’s name) but not with me”. In the first statement, you are taking responsibility for your own emotions and your partner is much more likely to be receptive in contrast to using the accusation in the second statement. Talk out what you want with your partner, perhaps come to a compromise. Maybe you want something that your partner is unwilling or even incapable of doing, since it is a polyamorous relationship, you can talk about adding in another partner that can fulfill that need for you. That is the joy of polyamory, one person doesn’t have to be everything for you.

If you aren’t feeling envy, you can still use similar steps to sort out the problem. Are you perhaps angry that you are feeling left out and not getting enough time with your partner? Again, take time to figure out how you feel and why you feel that way. Then bring it to their attention using “I” statements. “I have been feeling lonely lately, can we make an effort to spend more time together?” rather than “You never spend time with me anymore, don’t you love me?”.

Polyamorous relationships are a challenge, but well worth the difficulties. It is important to remember that emotions are part of being human and it’s okay to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, but it’s equally important to share these feelings with your partner(s) are they are the one that can help you deal with them and they are the ones that can help you change any problems in the relationship. Communication really is the key to making polyamory work.

What other pitfalls do you find in relationships?

In my experience, rather than having specific categories  of people such as dominant, master, submissive, slave, ect., people seem to lie more on a continuum, much like the Kinsey Scale for human sexuality. You could fall anywhere on a scale of one to ten or whatever scale you want to set up. For the sake of continuity in this post, we will use a scale from one to ten with one being someone who gives up 100% of their control and a ten being someone who takes complete control. Both of these types of people would be incredibly rare, if they exist at all.

Terms
If we’re going to make it through all of this information, I need to go through some definitions, especially for my friends out there that tend to live more in the vanilla world. So let’s start with the basics. A power exchange relationship is a relationship in which one of the partners consensually gives up a specific amount of control of their personal lives to another partner. In general we call the partner that gives up the control a submissive and the dominant is the partner that receives that power. Some other important terms include master and slave. This is where the opinion parts of this start coming in.

A master is much like a dominant but takes a larger amount of control from their submissive. In the community, the title master is usually earned through years of experience and involvement in the community, but many people use the title within their relationship to denote how much power s/he has. A slave on the other hand, is much like a submissive but gives up a larger amount of their power. Many of these people see the ultimate goal of giving up all of their personal control in a type of power exchange called a total power exchange (TPE). In this relationship, the slave literally makes no decisions, or almost no decisions, from what they wear to what they eat and sometimes to even what they can spend their money on.

Moving more toward the middle of our scale we have tops and bottoms. In general terms, tops and bottoms do not participate in power exchanges except possibly during a very specified time (called a scene) but many times, even then there is no power exchange taking place. A top is generally defined as a person giving stimulation or sensation to another person. A good example would be flogging with the top being the one that holds the whip. A bottom is the person receiving the stimulation or sensation (being flogged). Finally in the very middle of our scale we have switches. Switches do exactly as it sounds, the can switch from being the top or bottom, dominant or submissive. Some people do this right within their relationship, others are dominant to one partner but submissive to another.

Two final terms for you and then I promise, I’m done. These two terms actually fall outside our sliding scale but are commonly used terms. A sadist is a person who receives a certain amount of pleasure (especially sexual pleasure) by inflicting pain on their partner while a masochist receives pleasure from experiencing pain. This has absolutely no bearing on a person’s dominant or submissive characteristics. I happen to be dating a very dominant person who also enjoys a certain amount of pain and there are many submissives that do not enjoy pain at all and even a few who like to inflict it.

The Continuum
I just spent a long term defining what appear to be very distant categories of people, but the whole point of this article is to explain that they aren’t distinct and more importantly there is no consensus on how dominant or submissive one type of person has to be to call themselves one of these terms. BDSM is entirely up to the people involved in it. What I consider to be a dominant/submissive relationship, other people will say that there isn’t enough power exchange for that or some people might say that there is so much that it’s actually a master/slave relationship. Maybe the connotation of the word slave doesn’t sit well with you, but you want to give up all of your personal control to your partner. You are certainly free to call yourself a submissive if you want. I find all of the terms confusing, so in my personal life, I like to use the scale that I mentioned before.

For reference, I identify myself as a submissive in both of my relationships and would say that I’m about a 3 or 3.5 on the ten point scale. I submit to both of my partners, but I also keeps a large amount of my personal control. I would put one of my partners at about a 7 on the scale and the other partner at about an 8. They both take control but neither of them wants complete control over me.

One of the biggest problems that I’ve seen within the kink community is the use of these categories to discriminate. Many submissives hold slaves in high regard because they tend to give up more power and many dominants find master to be the ultimate title. This gets to the point where people have arguments about the definition of a what a “true dominant” or “true submissive” is.  You should avoid falling into this trap. People give up or take a measure of power that is right for them. There is not, or should not be, a competition to see who can be the most submissive or dominant. Have relationships that work for you. Do what feels right and makes you happy and don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing it wrong (unless you’re doing something unsafe, then by all means listen to someone that has more skill than you).

Where do you fall on the continuum? What do you classify yourself as? Let me know in the comments.

Look around any social media site and you will know what I mean. Pictures of large women receive comments such as “real women have curves”. Photos of thin women, especially today’s super models get comments like “give that girl a cheese burger” or “if I wanted to see a 12 year old boy, I would look at a picture of a 12 year old boy”. These comments are hurtful. The current belief is that all thin women have an eating disorder. I can tell you for a fact that it is not true. Some people are genetically small just like some people are genetically larger. I was asked by my parents if I had an eating disorder because I wore something that really flattered my small physique (although they did change their tone after they saw me eat for a weekend). I have been told to “have a cheeseburger”. These comments are hurtful, and they can be even more detrimental to someone that really is suffering with an eating disorder. Many people believe that it’s okay to bash people that fit the current definition of pretty because they “know they are pretty” or “they already have it so easy” or “someone needs to put their ego in check”. News flash: All women have body issues whether they are beautiful or not.

It is perfectly okay to have your own belief as to what is and is not attractive. Personally, I find people that are healthy and true to themselves as the most attractive. The definition of beauty is constantly changing but the rules of etiquette and polite behavior have not changed. If you see a picture that you don’t like, don’t comment on it. If you see a picture that you do like, go for it, but be careful with what you say. Are you spreading positive thoughts about body image or are you bashing a specific body type? I can tell you, comments against thin people are just as hurtful as comments about heavy people. Everyone wants to love their bodies, let’s work together to make that possible.

Eating disorders are a serious medical condition. Please do not wait to seek help. If you think you or one of your friends has an eating disorder, there is help available. Please call or go online to the National Eating Disorders Association. (800) 931-2237 or http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.

References:

1 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/67/article/history/beauty-through-ages-egypt
2 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/78/article/history/beauty-through-ages-renaissance
3 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/87/article/history/beauty-through-ages-victorians
4 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/105/article/history/beauty-through-ages-roaring-twenties
5 http://www.thebeautybiz.com/117/article/history/beauty-through-ages-conservative-fifties

I see this a lot within the kink community. Older members of the community are admired and respected while younger members are expected to seek out guidance from these people. Now, I’m not saying that there is a problem with learning from someone older, in fact, I’ve found it to be one of the best ways to learn new skills and seek advice on problems, but age has little to do with this. Many people seek training from someone that has been doing something longer rather than someone newer but that has more skill.

In the kink community there is a debate (that has been ongoing for years) about the validity of TNG (The Next Generation) groups. For those of you reading that don’t know, TNG groups are groups of kinky people, usually under the age of 35, but there is some variation, that get together to hang out, share knowledge, and have a good time. One of the biggest argument against these groups is the question: “How can they learn anything if they’re all so young?”

Here’s my answer: “There is a difference between age, experience, and skill. Think about a child piano prodigy (yes, I’m using an extreme example). The child, by definition is not very old and based on his/her age can’t be very experienced, but who would doubt that s/he is skilled when they hear him/her play?

Now think about an older person, perhaps about 40 years old that has been in the community since they turned 18 that has a particular interest in flogging but has never attended a class to learn technique and has been using the same style on their partner for 22 years. Clearly, they are experienced, but would you say that they are skilled?

They might be or they might not be. Many people can practice something for a long time and never be outstanding at it and there are some people who practice something for a short period of time, let’s say a year, but invest large amounts of energy practicing their techniques and learning new techniques by taking classes, doing research, and above all practicing using proper techniques. Is this person skilled?

Have you ever heard the old adage “practice makes perfect”? I’m sure you have. It’s told to every child trying to learn something new, but that adage is a lie. Anyone who has studied a technique in depth knows that the true adage is actually “practice makes permanent”. If you practice something a thousand times, incorrectly, you’re always going to do it incorrectly. The same goes for the people that are experienced. Just because they’ve done something a thousand times, doesn’t mean they have been doing it correctly.

It is wonderful when you find someone that is experienced, skilled, and has some age on their side. They can be an outstanding resource but they aren’t the only possible resource. You shouldn’t discount a source of information simply because they are young or new and you shouldn’t believe everything that you’re told simply because someone is experienced or older. Everyone has something that they can share with others. Are you ready to listen?

I believe that being unfaithful comes down to the people involved. The most important thing here is to communicate.  If you didn’t mention to your partner that some act makes you uncomfortable about the relationship, how are they supposed to know that you don’t want them to do it? Many people are naturally flirty and do so without thinking about it and without the purpose of a hook-up. You have to explain to your partner that these actions make you feel uncomfortable, insecure, or whatever the feeling may be. People aren’t mind readers and may not always know what you’re thinking.

On the other side of things, if you are doing something or think that you are doing something that you think your partner might not be okay with, it’s best to discuss with them their views on it. Honesty really is the most important virtue within relationships. Did your partner catch you watching porn? Well for some people, they believe that it’s cheating, but others believe that it’s a natural part of relationships.

Did you talk to your partner about what they felt was okay? If so, you need to take a deep look at why you did something that you knew they were uncomfortable with. Many times we act out in a manner that is destructive to our relationships because subconsciously (or consciously) we know that something is wrong with it. Again communication is really the best policy. Many problems within relationships are easily solvable, but some are not.

Lastly, I wanted to take a short look at a very specific type of cheating that I’ve run across recently. Emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is when you have done nothing that your partner would not be okay with, but you either are no longer emotionally vested in the relationship or you have feelings for someone else that your partner is unaware of. This could come about as you spend time with a friend or be an ex that you never got over or it could be someone that you bump into on a regular basis. However these feelings come about, allowing them to grow into something that your partner wouldn’t feel good about is emotional cheating. Again,you need to have a look at why these feelings came about. Are you unhappy in your current relationship? Bored? Do you need a change in your life? Or maybe just variety?

The most important thing that you can do with your partner is to communicate about your feelings and expectations in the relationship. Remember, people can’t read minds so you need to be clear about what you want and how you feel. Above all, choose honesty and openness as these are the foundations of successful relationships.

Let’s hear what you qualify as cheating in the comments.

Reason 1: I like/love more than one person.
Honestly, I can’t really think of a better reason to enter any type of relationship beyond liking the person. The same principle holds true with polyamorous relationships. Caring relationships happen all the time in your life. Think about your [platonic] friendships. Each of these is its own relationship, it should be no different with amorous relationships. Caring about someone, in that way, is a very special type of feeling and a wonderful reason for entering a  relationship with them.

Reason 2: My current partner can’t meet all of my needs.
This is a controversial one. We are brought up believing that we are supposed to be looking for “The One”. That single person that can meet every single one of our needs an desires. Unfortunately when you think about the reality of that situation, the odds of meeting that person by chance are about 1 in 7 billion. For those of you that are more visual, it looks like this: 1 in 7,000,000,000 and this assumes that your perfect match is living at the same time you are. The odds aren’t all that good.

Personally, I don’t believe in “The One”. I believe that there are people you can have a relationship with and there are people that you can’t. Following this model, we’re going to assume that no one partner can meet all of your needs. Perhaps you have kinky desires that your partner does not, while sacrifice in relationships can bring you closer together, when it comes to sex, I don’t think that you should be sacrificing your own enjoyment all of the time to make your partner happy. I know, here come the comments about compromising and what not. You’re right, it’s a valid method, but personally, I would rather do things with my partner that both of us enjoy and then do the things that my partner may not enjoy, but I do, with someone else who finds them great.

Reason 3: I’m bisexual and would like a partner of both sexes.
This is related to the previous reason. If you are bisexual, and wish to act on that orientation, it is physically impossible for a single partner to fulfill all of you needs. Rather than deny yourself and your desires, a good method for dealing with this is a polyamorous relationship. This one really doesn’t take much explanation.

Reason 4: I need variety.
This is NOT the same as “I can’t commit”. The need for variety means that you want to commit to more than one person (this can be very healthy). Sometimes a need for variety means just that. It’s not that your current partner is lacking in any way, but just that you like to have change in your life. Humans are not really programmed to be with a single person for their whole lives. Look at the divorce rate and the rates of cheating. Many times when someone is asked why they cheated, it’s not through any fault of the their partner, but simply that the one cheating wanted someone different to be with. Isn’t it better to do this in an honest, communicative way? By being openly polyamorous with your partner, you prevent much of the heart break and loss of trust associated with discovering that your partner cheated on you.

Reason 5: I don’t love my partner but I don’t want to break up with them.
This really isn’t a good reason to enter an open or polyamorous relationship.  Polyamorous relationships should never be used to solve a problem. This is when they tend to go bad. One of the most important things when it comes to polyamory is that you are honest with yourself and your partners. Remaining in a relationship that you aren’t happy in and trying to open it up to polyamory is like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound. In order to have a successful relationship, you have to take the bullet out first.

Reason 6: I don’t want to commit to anyone.
Dating around, playing the field, whatever you want to call it is fine. Inherently there is nothing wrong with it as long as you’re honest about your intentions, but it is also not really polyamory. Polyamory means entering more than one committed relationship at the same time.

Ok, so we’ve looked at the reasons that I can come up with for entering polyamorous relationships. What do you think? Do you have any to add? Comment below.

Has anyone ever said something along the lies of “I really like him/her, but I can’t date him/her because I might get hurt”? Have you said this yourself? I know I have and I know a lot of other people with this mentality as well. We really need to take a step back sometimes and think about what a relationship is, how they work and what our expectations are.

You’re right, you might get hurt in your next relationship, in fact, you probably will. Getting hurt has nothing to do with monogamous or polyamorous relationships, kinky or vanilla relationships. It’s simply the nature of all relationships. Blunt though this may be: there are only two possible options when it comes to relationships. Either it lasts forever or it ends. When a relationship ends, it hurts. Even relationships that end on amicable terms, hurt.

The determining factor of whether to start a relationship or not, shouldn’t be based on the possibility of getting hurt. It should be based on how you feel when you’re with the person. You know when a person makes you happy. Why should you give up that happy feeling because of a possible, albeit probable, future?

You’re right, unless you’ve found the person that you intend to marry (and even then a lot of the time) the relationship is going to end. And you’ll probably get hurt but it’s not about getting hurt, it’s about how we deal with that hurt, how the relationship helped us grow while we were in it.

I personally have learned something from every relationship that I’ve had (whether we called it that or not). I’ve learned about myself, about the world, and about life. The hurt that came with the end of all of these relationships helped me to grow and become a stronger, better person. Without pain in life, it’s hard to feel the joyous times.

However, I am not advocating starting a relationship with just anyone. If you are not in a position in your life that you can handle the possibility of pain or sadness, starting a relationship is not a good choice for you, but if you have found a person that you’re willing to make a commitment to and the only thing holding you back is the possibility of getting hurt, it’s time to take that step. If you end up getting hurt, look at it as a learning experience, thinking about everything good that came out of the relationship, and how things could be different next time.

Don’t let fear of getting hurt prevent you from entering a relationship that you feel has the potential to be loving, fun, meaningful and whatever other things you hope to get out of it. The hurt makes us stronger.